Ahhhh, those good ol' memories

So, isn't it amazing what memories we remember and our reactions to the catalysts of those memories?

I remember, quite vividly in fact, the moment my wife announced that she was pregnant, with our first child. It was like a smack to the side of my head... Wait a minute, it WAS a smack to the side of my head. It was around 6 'o clock in the morning, (and I'm not what you might call an early riser, in fact I've been know to wake up just in time for bed), and I was sound asleep when out of nowhere there was this thunderous crash just above and on my left ear.

Now, living in South Africa, one tends to be over paranoid due to the violent crime rate that keeps fighting for the number one spot with the HIV rate. So anyway, the first thought that rushed through my head was, "Oh shit! We are becoming a statistic of the numerous home invasions that has recently increased in my neighbourhood." Well, actually the thought was a bit more colourful than that but I've been told that my blog holds quite a bit of profanity so I'm holding back a smidgeon. Once I believed that it was a house breaking turned possibly who knows what, I thought "Oh no! My Playstation... my games... my DVD collection.... err.... my wife," not that this is how I prioritise that which is dear to me ;)

It was the, then bitter tone that my wife used, even though that up until today she still disputes it, that brought me out of my trance-like state of sleepiness and morbid fear to realise that she was speaking to me.

"Huh?" I replied.

"I said, look at what you've done to me!" (minus the whack)

Given that I'd just woken up from my sound slumber and that it was 6 in the morning, it took me a few seconds to realise that she was holding something in her hand. No, it was not a frying pan like some of you from the peanut gallery may suggest. It was in fact a home pregnancy test that held two little powder blue parallel lines in one of the two boxes. I would have to say that at this moment I was 82.7% excited but the remaining 17.3% (yes, it does add up to 100 - I checked) was like, "Does it mean positive or negative?" and "Which one's good - positive or negative?" Bear in mind that I did say I live in South Africa where the HIV rate is quite high so forgive me for asking the question. Anyway, it was the good positive and not the positive where is it's actually negative.

Back to my senses now, and all I could do was scream, at 6 o' clock in the morning (my neighbours probably thought that this was a home invasion gone bad by the loud wail that sounded like an owl on ecstacy), "Whooohooo! My soldiers work!" I kissed my wife, saying "You're welcome," and ran to double-check the instructions on the box. I was excited beyond belief. Called in a sick day at work, got ready and went for the blood test immediately even though I knew I'm gonna be a daddy.

Anyway, that is what I remember about finding out that I was a father to be for the first time.

To those that are reading this and questioning yourselves about the previous line... Yes, I'm gonna be a daddy again. Whoooohoooo x2! And FUCK YEAH, my soldiers still work!

Tthe memories related to the second time I found out that I was gonna be a daddy again, was very similar to that of the first... well except for the smack to my head.... and the thoughts of breaking and entering gone wrong.... and the potential loss of my Playstation, games, DVD collection and...errr... wife.... and the questioning of the two powder blue parallel lines..... okay okay, it was completely different but that will be another post entirely.

So, until my next post, take it easy. And if you get it easy, take it again.

Daddy's little girl

So my two year old baby girl, the apple of my eye, the most beautiful and intelligent girl in the world, asks me "Daddy, can I go out with a boy?"

Now, in a fraction of the second, just after she completed the sentence, I realised that her mother put her up to this just to invoke a reaction from me for her own personal amusement. So I was determined not to give my wife the satisfaction she so desired. Within a few more fractions, I swallowed hard and pondered my response. I had already planned what I was going to say if this question ever arose.

I'd like to think that I'm one of these cool and funky fathers that will have all the correct answers he'd need to ensure that the relationship between his daughter and himself will never deteriorate because of some over-protective, shoot-any-boy-that-comes-asking-for-my-daughter urge that I usually succumb to. And so far, things were good. So with the last most minute fraction of the second, I bolstered my own negative feelings aside and began to answer her question.

"That's okay Angel, when you're older and seriously like a boy, provided that your mother agrees, and that you act accordingly to all our instructions and conditions, I see no problem with you going out with a boy."

Sound good huh? Something to be proud of, for a first time father. I should have won the "Best Daddy Ever" award for that one. Unfortunately, the words that uttered out of my mouth were, "Absolutely Not! The only way you'll go out with a snot nosed little pisser is over my dead body! I absolutely forbid it!"

It was at this time I could hear muffled laughter from the lounge where my wife and little one were co-horting. "Doh!" as "Homer" says, was the only thought that ran through my mind. I had failed, and given my wife the exact reaction she was looking for and I didn't live up to the image I was trying to portray to my little girl. So trying to hide my shame I walk into the lounge with my head lowered waiting for all the heckling to begin however was taken totally by surprise by my daughter's next question.

"Why?"

Good, I realised. Here's my chance to rectify the situation. To be the father I hoped I'd be. To be able to live up to the man some fathers hoped their little girls see. What to say now? How do I spin it my way? I'm good at this, I can do it.

"Why?! Why?! Because I said so! That's why!" WTF? Not too often to you get the chance to rectify many situations in life and when the fates hand me a moment of opportunity, what do I do, dig my already six foot grave even deeper. I give up.

Now with all that's been said and done I realise that she as yet does not understand the questions, answers and associated difficulties with these types of questions, and for that I'm thankful, 'coz if she were a teenager and this was how I'd handled it, it would definitely not been over. Well at least I've got a decade and a bit to better prepare myself.

Just thinking about this whole episode got me thinking about what if my daughter were my son. Would I have acted the same way? I seriously doubt it. If anything I'd probably take him out shopping to buy him his very first condom. Tell him about the birds and the bees, and not in the way some parents do like "When a man and woman love each other very much..." I thinks that pure bullshit and will not let my boy learn about life from some fairy-tale perspective of life. I'd get him some porn and let him know that getting your freaky on is not only about idyllic reproduction but its about fulfilling man's need to hunt, or some shit like that - If I really knew the answer to that question, life as I know it would've been completely different.

Alas, I don't know the answer to that question and my son is really my daughter (not in some soap opera kinda way), so I'lldo what every loving father would. I'd tell her the fairy-tale and pray that she only questions it's truth when she's in her forties.

So, until my next post, take it easy. And if you get it easy, take it again.